No comparison. No need to compare I mean when what feels like forward thoughts, turn my insides out and make me wish….make me regret. Is it a karma type thing? Did I misunderstand the change that looks like all the other times of change?
Colorado…Denver exact, has caused me to not believe there is any one, or anything, I can trust here. People smile, gently and intently yet have no meaning within. I’m not talking finance nor materialistic shit, I’m talking Spirit, soul and heart. Others tell me I can find it, tell me I will find it yet I’ve been more open living in a space I know not a damn thing about than I have in any other space and I continuously get slapped in the face. Mocked and laughed at, but in a very kind or not so kind way. I reach and my hand is pushed away. I hand heart and it feels stomped on. I’ve been lied to, faked out, flaked on, and even chased down and damaged and it still remains to be my fault.
Well, is it the fault of moving here in general? Is it the fault of trusting someone I shouldn’t have trusted? To fault me for speaking a fucking truth and you know its true, why am I faulted because of speaking it? I use to be able to say, out side of work Colorado really meant nothing to me. Then work, then work happened all over my soul and I damn near forgot my true purpose there. I started to forget who I was. Not happy at my job draws the line. I can not be happy in a space for a long ass minute as long as I love my job. Love what I do, how I create, whom I love along the way (babies of course). A few co-teachers. Random ass people I meet in stores, on the corner and we shoot the shit and I never see them again. Those moments I have a tendency to try to hold on to like for dear life. Like those moments I see a cute as puppy, or cat, a happy baby…I cling to those cause. Cause reaching out, expressing care seems to cause some to think the opposite some hidden agenda. I don’t do hiding, I can do none of your damn business, but I dont have anything to hide. No reason to lie, and no reason to deny what my me stands for, for me. It is important mostly to my soul that I am true. My soul.
I have literally told someone that I needed someone to cry with, and was more than willing to provide a shoulder to lean as well. And still nothing. When I hear people ask, I listen.
I guess I was wrong about it all. Yet I don’t understand, I really have no fucking clue.